Rethink LOVE

13 Feb

Since its Valentine’s again, I shall blog something on love…

Well, as a cell group leader ministering mostly to young people, I cannot ignore this issue about love, which is close to their hearts (haha and mine too la)…

I remember a message (video link) which I heard about 1.5 years ago that left a deep impression on me. This is one of the most practical messages on viewing / building a love relationship in Christ. It benefited me a lot and helped refine my entire stance toward love…As the message tries to address the many different love scenarios (single, dating, divorced, re-marriage, married, etc), it is slightly long…but the details in the message are worth spending the time. For easy reference together with the video, the notes can be found here

Takeaways from the message:

Regardless of what status you are right now, just love the Lord first…你爱主吗?若爱主(比一切更多)的话,再‘难’也会得(神赐的)能力跟从的!


Speaking about this, I remember in my JC days, I was so close, so close to being together with this non-Christian guy…everyone in the class, including the teachers, thought we were a couple…but I remained in my own self-denial, refusing to acknowledge him as a boyfriend, though we spent time together like a couple everyday…cos I couldn’t convince my spirit (conscience) to accept someone whom God did not approve me to be with…Yet on the other hand, he was someone whom I had secretly hoped would fall for me, though that stupid boy was helping 2 of his good friends go after me…so when he did like me in the end, of cos I was happy! Furthermore, he was very sweet, always trying to please me in everything, and never refuse me in anything…very 千依百顺…

So I got carried away and indulged myself for months, though I clearly knew I shouldn’t cross the line with a non-Christian, at least not till he received salvation…of course, he would say he wouldn’t mind attending church, he would sometimes even quote God’s word to encourage me…yet I clearly saw he has no interest in God and his spirit was not touched personally by Christ…no matter how I tried to find excuses to let this go on (like ‘who knows, maybe God will save him someday through me?’, maybe my love can transform him?’, ‘at least he is open to attending church and hearing sermons’)…but God refused to let my spirit be fooled…when I faced it honestly, I know it was 似是而非 (seemed to be but not the case)…yes, certain things/actions/knowledge can be “learned”, but matters of the spirit can’t be fooled…

I even fought with God a few times: “Since he likes me and I like him, does it make sense if we cannot be together, just because of different faith? Isn’t it such a pity, can’t God just turn him into a Christian, since nothing is impossible for God?” But when I restore the assurance of God’s love and the heart to love God, then God’s perfect will was revealed to me. Actually, it is not the different faith that stopped us from being together, BUT to begin with, he was really not the man God plans for me, otherwise God would have made him believe somehow…And if he is not the One, then actually I also wouldn’t be too upset if God wants to take him away too…In fact, when I think deeper, I realised that faith aside, I might not like him that much after all too…Furthermore, if God had so easily made him a Christian for us to get together, what crown would I have and what answer can I provide to others? It is so common for a believer to struggle cos of the temptation to date a non-believer. If I had not been through the test of relying on God to overcome such temptation, I would have no convincing solution for others facing same tests (cos God cannot possibly make the non-believer a Christian in every case)…

Though many may think that God is unreasonable to demand that we stop liking someone we actually liked, I realised it’s not that difficult actually, if that guy is not match-made by God…God is not a Father who forces us to do things against our will…If that guy is not meant to be, amazingly we ourselves will lose the interest in him over time too, as we walk closer with God…

Just like that JC guy…yes, I was indeed happy when I went out with him, that I thought I was on top of the world. Yet strangely, the moment I went back to church, though it could be just a seemingly normal worship, the joy that filled my heart so far far surpassed that ‘on top of the world’ feeling which I had just a minute ago when I was with him…

It’s somewhat like when 2 guys woo a gal at the same time, the gal may be neutral to both of them in the beginning and gives each of them equal chances…until a point when she feels significantly happier with one of them, that’s when she has to make a decision to be with just one of them and keep a platonic distance with the other. Likewise, God is one suitor, the non-Christian guy is the other suitor…When I’m more drawn to one, naturally my heart will feel less satisfied with the other one (just like when we have tried first class seat, we wouldn’t be fascinated with business class anymore)…and the bliss I derive from the peace in Christ sure outweighs the pleasure from indulgence in flesh… Furthermore, Satan’s “accusations” of me being with someone I shouldn’t literally killed all the dating joys…

My sense of belonging still lies in Christ, so someone outside of Christ just cannot appeal to me for very long…a different spirit means different spirit! 灵不一样就是不一样! How is it possible for “two to become one” when the spirits are different? With God’s all-satisfying love, I think I can manage without the finite love of even the guy I like, BUT even with the entire love of man, I don’t think I can be truly satisfied/happy even if my relationship with God is only but slightly broken (being fully reconciled with God in all areas of life, except for even one aspect will also make the entire spirit unhappy).

Though God gave me strength to do the right thing in the end in JC, it was almost like a pseudo ‘break-up’ although to this day I never regarded him as a boyfriend…We saw each other everyday in class, it was our ‘A’ levels…it was difficult for me but it was even more difficult for him…If only I had more self-control and submitted to God, both our hurt might have been prevented. Yet, God confirmed that my submission was right ‘cos I felt totally relieved (more than being sad) after doing the right thing…

However, this incident left such great impression that I told myself I would never want to let history repeat itself ever again…

Something the Pastor said at CNY prayer meeting touched me: Those who held God and His word in high esteem, will they themselves be exalted (rewarded) by God too…though in the beginning, they may seem to have a tough journey, God will prove that they have the very best in the end! If we let go of something not very precious to us, what crown will we gain? But if we give up what we treasured ‘cos God said it’s good for us to let go, how would He not return us more than what we offered?

Of cos God blessed me lots after I submitted. Thank God for using this JC experience and the rewards of submission to guide me subsequently on how to deal with love relationships, especially where different faith is concerned…a smart student wouldn’t want to learn the same lesson twice…


Different Roles of Man and Woman [Main pt 2, sub-pt 3 in notes]


Frankly speaking, before I heard this message, I used to think that my previous break-up (with the ‘real’ ex-bf) was all his fault ‘cos he broke the trust between us, while I’m the poor victim…but this message gave me the sudden awakening that I was equally responsible for killing our relationship because I did not play the role of a woman well. I remembered smsing pastor after hearing the message that I now better understand the real reason behind the break-up and how I can pray to be a better woman.

Since young, I clearly knew the biblical principles that woman must submit to the man. Yet, in this modern era where women are as capable, eloquent, spiritual as men, it’s really difficult…furthermore, it is especially tough for women to keep our tongues and expectations in check.

My previous fatal mistake was that my love was not “spiritualised”…instead of loving even the ugliest and weakest side of him, I always knowingly or unknowingly put him down…Actually, love is not about ‘exposing’, but ‘protecting’ (protecting especially the spirit 心灵 of our loved ones)…Pastor said something that hit me, it is not that the man is not spiritual enough or cannot qualify as the ‘Head’, but the woman keeps extinguishing the man’s spiritual dignity (灭弟兄属灵的志气) that he can’t rise up to be the Head…sometimes even the word of God has to be applied under the guidance of Holy Spirit…otherwise, the more biblical knowledge one has, the more lethal one’s accusations and pressure on our loved ones can be…I just had too much comments, too much expectations…and the real issue is, I never really look up to him in my heart…Because I did not know how to play the role of woman well, I had killed the love in the man who loved me…After the message, I felt as if he was the victim instead of me!

So I realise that the prettiest and smartest woman is one who can make her man look good…Let him really take the position as ‘Head’, while she completely submits prayerfully and complements where he needs support…as what Pastor said, regardless of how good/bad the brother is, the sister should 顺服到弟兄的男子气概出来…The man should shine and the sister just needs to be faithfully and quietly in the background…It is not beautiful for the woman to be ‘louder’ than the man…

And man has the greatest charm when he is spiritual and when he can sacrifice for the woman…God made woman to be the weaker party…more emotional and waver more easily, even a strong woman believer’s faith may be shaken easily…so a good man will know how to protect the woman (more important than physical protection is the protection of her spirit)…sometimes to protect her spirit from accusations and attacks from Satan, the man can also sacrifice even if he has to give in, 吃亏, etc…But how can a man protect the woman’s spirit, if he does not know spiritual mysteries?….And perhaps because women are more unstable in emotion and in faith, women tend to look for security…and a spiritual man will make any woman feel secured…because his Head is Christ Himself, he will not be shaken easily by forces of darkness and can always see God’s answers in problems….where else can we find security except in Christ, so if the guy is firm in Christ, he will make people around him feel assured in God too…All man has weaknesses, but if a man follows God, it’s easier to trust him, not cos he is trustworthy, but cos the God who is leading his entire life/decisions/actions is trustworthy…

In the end, we are who we attract

Fragrance (of Christ) attracts butterflies…but stench (of worldliness) only attracts flies…

Birds of same feathers flock together… if the goal of my life is to simply enjoy worldly pleasures and aimlessly waste my time away, like-minded people will be attracted to me…

But if I want to centre my life on Christ, enjoy His abundant love and blessings and fulfil His purpose, then ‘worldly and aimless’ people will find me boring and crazy, but people of the same spirit will be attracted to my spirit (not physical appearance)…

So if I want a spiritual lifetime co-worker, then I must build up my spirituality in the meantime, to match up to the one God prepared for me…


Principles for those Single/Dating – Reference from Isaac and Rebekah <Gen 24> [Main pt 1, sub-pt 5 of notes]

Of course, this part of the message is most relevant to me.

My ex-CEO always teased me that the reason why I’m still single is ‘cos I’m waiting for “Jesus Christ”…Well, no, I’m not waiting for the ‘perfect’ guy…my pastor always tells me that my future spouse may not be “perfect”, but he will surely be the most “suitable” one God prepares for me…someone whose presence can draw me closer to God instead of pulling my heart away from God, someone who can give me full support to do God’s ministries and someone whom I can also complement and bring him closer to God…As a couple, we will be able to serve God and bless His people gloriously…


Hmm, things that God hasn’t made clear yet, I shall not try to find out…and some timetable I do not know will take how long, but I will know when it’s time to know and what God meant to be will be…


Principles of Marriage – [Main pt 1]

This part is useful for me ‘cos I need to minister to others…Besides the married, this segment would be relevant for those singles / dating who plan to get married too…


The blog entry is already so long, so I shall not share further…actually the critical points are mainly in the message itself…so the video is highly recommended regardless of what’s your status now…there will surely be parts of the message that is relevant for you …

This Valentine’s Day, let’s rethink love, in God’s perspective…and let’s reflect whether all our love relationships are centred on Christ-blessed principles, so that we can enjoy total bliss from our relationships! 

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3 Responses to “Rethink LOVE”

  1. sophia February 14, 2011 at 11:51 am #

    Urgh. To be honest, this was hard for me to read…or to agree. I still don’t understand why it is that we need to make a man “look good” just to ruffle their pride. I mean, I know there are specific verses in the bible, but instead of debating it, I’m just going to ignore it for now.

  2. orange February 15, 2011 at 8:52 pm #

    think u dun need to go out of the way to make a man ‘look good’, just treat him as u wld treat ur other friends – with fairness, respect and kindness – without the ‘special’ treatments. it will naturally make him ‘look good’ beside u. But well, it’s human nature to take for granted those who really care.

  3. David March 28, 2011 at 11:44 pm #

    Nice. Thanks for sharing. I always like to read what princesses think about love. And congrats for e 1 yr anniversary for your blog.

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