Are You Beautiful?

23 May

Hmm…like most women, I am very concerned about ‘whether I am beautiful?’…What’s more, I am a super vain gal…heh, and perhaps cos age is catching up…as I am going to hit the BIG “3”, I can’t deny that I am trying a little harder to hide those ‘signs of time’….

These few months, God spoke to me about 2 levels of beauty….(1) physical, and (2) inner (i.e. spiritual) beauty….


Spiritual Beauty

Since a few months back, I have been experiencing these intense accusations and sense of defeat…Strangely, such lousy feelings usually intensify after church meetings, be it after Sunday worship or after cell groups…yes, by right after church meetings, I should feel liberated, I should find strength…but increasingly I don’t…Perhaps people may find it surprising that I experience these accusations and lousy feelings…well, I came to realize that’s because I found my self-worth in the wrong thing…Remember some months ago, a sister blogged about her pain in not being able to reach out to others in church? Well, actually I have the same struggles…

It’s so easy to feel I’m very worthy, very useful, very good, very beautiful, when I can minister to other brethren in church, when I succeed in leading cell groups, when I can pray well in relay prayers, when I can absorb messages 100%, when everyone likes me & comes to me for counsel, when I can have answers to all the issues raised by people, etc etc…

BUT

It is equally easy to feel very unworthy, very wretched, very ugly, feel I’m not as blessed, not as favored by God, when I can’t do all those things & when someone does not like me, when I can no longer minister as good as the past, when I seem to ‘slacken’ in my serving, when I no longer have the “answers”, etc etc…

Well, I seems to be undergoing a season now, since there’s a time for everything…

A time to grow & a time to be quieter, lower profile…

A time to be strong & a time to let God demonstrate His strength when I am weak…

A time to speak & a time to listen (to God’s voice in my spirit) before I continue talking…

Yet, I can’t help but find my mood & esteem shifting correspondingly with my works, my faith, my ‘qualities’….sometimes I feel my life is beautiful and useful, sometimes I feel I’m the scum of the earth when I can’t seem to fulfill God’s purpose for me…hopeless when my problems seem the same…

But thank God, through the church messages these few weeks/months, God is training me to proclaim that I am beautiful”, not cos of my qualities but cos He chose me & I am beautiful in His sight

Yes, indeed, if I can minister to one more person, it does not make God loves me more..and if one person dislikes me, that doesn’t mean God likes me less…

God does not choose me & save me because I can do this or that for Him..

In fact, He chose me in full knowledge that I am a wretched & helpless sinner who can’t perform a single good deed…

So what if I succeeded today in ministering to people, etc, is it my credit? No, it’s God’s works! It’s not something I can be proud of!

So what if I failed in ministering to people, etc today, is it something I should be accused/shameful about? No, it’s not even surprising at all that I fail, cos I’m originally the sinner of sinners anyway…& God has a reason to permit that failure….

Yes, I just have to focus on God’s opinion alone…cos otherwise I will go crazy if I give men’s ever-changing opinions the same weight as God’s…This is similar to the story of “The Miller, His Son and Their Donkey”….when we try to please too many parties, we got deceived and frustrated by Satan…so I decide to find my self-worth solely from the eyes of God…if beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, let that sole Beholder be God alone…cos His opinion of me will never change!

Physical Beauty

Well, since we are on the topic of beauty, maybe I should also share abit on how I used to feel very inferior in this area…I have not mentioned before in my blog, but most people know that I used to have very very bad eczema (i.e. skin problem) since age 3…almost 70% of my body, minus the face (thank God for that!) was covered with rashes…that’s why I didn’t really took pictures when I was young…but I found a not-so-clear picture of my younger days with my skin problem…just to give u some idea:

For a gal, having such ugly skin is of cos a great great blow…I ever had thoughts like I will never be married cos no sane man will take me cos of my skin condition….that explains why I was so vain since young…yes, cos I can’t find the right self-worth thus totally fall into inferiority complex…

BUT thank God that He is great…in Him, there’s really all answers! Both spiritual & physical…so just as I was about to be prepared to live with my ugly skin throughout my life, He healed me miraculously!…But more important than outward appearance, I want to emphasize how God’s love will make one pretty from within:

A few months ago, my colleagues were clearing some old office stuff and found an old copy of our company annual report for year 2005 I think…In that copy, I was featured as a mock up ‘model’ as one of the company employees happily talking away…At that time, I thought I was pretty to be selected as the ‘model’, being younger then at age 24 or 25 & exuding the radiance of being in love with a ‘man’ (I was still with my ex-boyfriend then)…the unexpected comment I received from my colleague was:

“Oh Hui Koon, how you have changed from that nerdy plain Jane & blossomed prettier now!”….

“Prettier? At ripe age of 30, compared to the younger age then?” I thought to myself, how can this be possible? Well, I thought the colleague must be joking…but then, I later recalled that not just one but a few other people gave the same feedback…many of them said I started to blossom after my breakup, well, even my ‘ex’ himself said the same thing before he left Singapore, that I became prettier after he broke up with me….well, I thought all of them said that to console me…but when one after another said the same thing, I can’t help but have to ponder why is this so? Everyone knew I have always been a vain gal, I started to use cosmetics at age 14! So I dolled up when I was in a relationship & of cos when I was out…so if I have been equally vain back then & now, then something must be different…

It suddenly occurred to me that as much as I fear to grow old & turn ugly, God’s love (contrast with love from man, my ‘ex’) will make one prettier, even against the effect of time!

Come to think about it, back then, I only have man’s love…my life is totally ignorant…I know God loves me, but I dunno exactly the depth of that love…& I’m not very touched by that love (‘cos I’m more than satisfied with man’s Eros love, which actually turned me ugly because of the selfish love)….& I’m just a ignorant foolish gal who did not know how to spread God’s love, dunno how to help others see God’s love in their ironical problems, dunno how to love others & dunno how powerful God’s love is, just because I’m totally head over heels with human love from a single person…so of cos, while I thought I was pretty back then, I didn’t realize I wasn’t that pretty in people’s eyes when I only see myself & my ‘ex’ in my eyes…Subsequently, after the breakup, I slowly get to appreciate God’s unconditional love more..enjoy & be satisfied solely by His love more, able to share His love more…only then I guess the inner beauty in Christ came out from my life….It’s amazing how I used to think I’m pretty in the past when I’m actually not in the eyes of others, and how I thought I’m already old and lose all charm now when people start seeing it abit differently….Even though outwardly, I have clearly looked older & less radiant as the picture above will tell, the inner spiritual beauty from Christ can cover the outward fading physical beauty…haha and of cos I’m not complaining that God has “blinded” some kind people’s eyes to say that I’m prettier now than before 🙂

So yes, when we are nourished by God’s daily-present love, we can remain pretty, against the reaction of time! The beauty that is not measured by the number of wrinkles we have, but the amount of joy & radiance we receive from Christ! So today, are you able to say that you are “BEAUTIFUL”? A spiritual beauty that is not dependent on your conditions, but God’s perspective of you…and a physical beauty that naturally comes, not because you love God first but more so because you are nourished first by His love!
Let’s all proclaim: “We are beautiful in His sight!” 🙂


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7 Responses to “Are You Beautiful?”

  1. suyun2710 May 23, 2010 at 11:00 pm #

    Hi sister, great you are back. You have been silent for quite awhile. I also agree you do look more beautiful now than years ago. Hee hee. I have nothing to show that I am pretty but seriously, thanks for sharing about how the real beauty is really not the physical one. I love the part where you said “you are nourished by His love” that makes one really beautiful.

    • huijun1910 May 23, 2010 at 11:46 pm #

      hmm…as i said this is suppose to be a season of quieter, lower profile for me ma…

      yes, i forgot to say that the nourishment from God’s love is much more effective than all the spas & beauty care products! 🙂

  2. ChildOfGod May 23, 2010 at 11:20 pm #

    You are both beautiful in outside and inner… 🙂

  3. May 24, 2010 at 2:29 am #

    I must call you PP from now on. Pretty Preacher.
    Make sure u always be thick-skinned and call yrself that, in season and out of season.

  4. Deeply loved May 24, 2010 at 10:38 pm #

    Amen for your sharing.

  5. sophia May 25, 2010 at 1:38 am #

    oh, so this is the secret to “prettyness”…I must write everything down. Haha, I was also very, very vain…though I went the opposite route, and tried to pretend that I didn’t care about looks, and went out of my way to NOT shop, NOT dress well, NOT use cosmetics, and then…eventually, out of petty envy, dissatisfaction with self, and self-hatred, killed myself slowly through my ED…

    Anyway. I feel like I experienced the physical manifestation of this, too….only through accepting God’s love, and enjoying His love through myriads of things and people…then I was restored physically, too. And still in the process lah.

    • huijun1910 May 25, 2010 at 6:48 pm #

      Yes u r the perfect example of how Christ’s beauty can be exuded in man’s flesh n any condition 🙂

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