Go Ahead, Try Hard To Be Weak?

2 May

Many years ago, I heard a bold statement from a Reverend which caught me by surprise…he said: “ok, if you feel bored, angry etc with God, then it’s ok, just leave Him & go enjoy yourselves in the world!”….Imagine such words coming out from a Pastor who is supposed to painstakingly persuade God’s children to stick to His path & draw close to Him! That’s why these words remained in my mind though I think I had heard them 10 years ago….BUT the Pastor was quick to add: “….Go ahead, try and see, you will realize 2 things: (1) you can’t bring yourself to leave God one, (2) even if you really really leave the church/God & indulge yourself in the world (entertainment, friends, success, etc), you will also not enjoy it but will ultimately come back to God, like the ‘prodigal son’….not because of any reason, but because Jesus has already chosen you, saved you, attracted you, such that you will only be happy & feel happy in Him…like the fish can only survive and rejoice in water.”

In a way, what the Pastor said had quite applied to my life all these years…what he said are so very true!

I’m not someone who is ‘hardy’, not a person who can survive just by ‘vision’ alone (maybe ‘cos I’m not a brother)…Some people can bite their teeth, hold fast to God’s promises, accept all kinds of trials, even contradictions between God’s promises & real-life situations, take in all kinds of hurts from others, endure busyness/tiredness etc etc and still retain that faith, that joy, that hope in the Lord….but that’s just not me…I am not so steady…

No, by birth, I’m easily wavered by mood, rely more on sight rather than faith, easily give up if disheartened, easily indulge myself to gratify flesh than to fulfill holy mission…

So every time when disheartenment or discontentment or even numbness towards God got into me, I will have ‘funny thoughts’, I will ‘threaten’ God…that I will leave Him, will indulge totally in the world, will stop serving, will stop praying, etc etc…

Sometimes, I will tell God, I also need a break, a break away from all human expectations (of a ‘leader’)….I just want to be a ‘baby’ in the arms of Father, only receiving, & not needing to give, can just be myself…show my weak side… no obligations to appear holy, no obligations to talk, no obligations to give, no need to endure expectations….but be free like everyone else, sulk when I want to, relax when I want to…why cannot? Why must I always smile? Why must I always talk? Why must I always give in? Why can’t I lose my temper once in awhile? Why do I always need to be at the receiving end of others’ temper and erratic mood? Why can’t I have some personal time, why must my life be so full of ‘meaningful’ things that make me breathless sometimes? All in all, I’m just a petty, small woman…why am I expected to appear so ‘noble’?

So sometimes, I really did go ahead & love the world…

I remembered I ever threatened God very very seriously before my breakup, that if He really made that happened, I am REALLY going to leave God! Heh…but everyone knows that I never did…what prevented it? GRACE!

Well, it is not that I never tried to indulge in the world…after the breakup, I went out a lot with worldly friends, late nites at some nite chilling spots for drinking sessions that I never tried before, movies, shopping, spas, tours, home gatherings, TV & drama series, even skipped church once in a while etc etc… BUT…

(1) The more I did those worldly stuff, even though I didn’t restrain myself but try to enjoy fully, the more I find them sickeningly empty…Dunno why but it just worsened my frustration…those activities just deepened the emptiness inside my spirit…I thought I will be happy by indulging the desires of my flesh and by being ‘spiteful’ to God to prove to Him that I meant my words when I said I’m angry or disappointed with Him..but every time after those activities, I would feel worse than before I did them…slowly, the urge to do them diminished…naturally

(2) Every time I wanted to close up my heart to God’s word & love, every time when I geared myself to be resistant to Pastor’s words (yes, that’s how bad I am), YET, each time, there is bound to be one or two of God’s words that will touch me irresistibly & melt the hardened spirit in me entirely…Yes, my stupid stubbornness cannot help but totally collapse when God’s love touches me…in the face of God’ love, I always lose…

(3) Every time I want to let loose of myself, a sms will always come, a call will always come, a face will always appear right in front of me..it is either a brother/sister or it is the pastor…always so timely, that I have no choice but to shepherd (others) or be pastored (by pastor)…OR a new ministry will be suddenly entrusted to me (e.g. verbal & written translation, relay prayer, etc), OR it will be my turn to serve (either it’s SSGs, or its prayer-leading on Sunday, or it’s DT singspiration, etc), such that my ‘weaknesses’, ‘bad mood’, faithless state cannot last more than 2 days, cos every other day, I will be compelled to enter blessed ground of serving…

(4) The more I expose my weaknesses, thinking that I have cleverly ‘sabotaged’ God’s plans to use me (how can He use someone without ‘good’ testimonies, I thought), that’s when He all the more lifts me up! The more I wanted to hide, the more He seek me out…the weaker I showed myself to be, the more He glorifies me…Indeed, God’s ways are higher than men’s, God’s thoughts higher than men’s, and the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom…we can never imagine how God can be so creative to turn all our weaknesses into strength & failures into successes!

(5) And of cos, sometimes when I really have no motivation to go on, to serve, to love, to live, that’s when God’s faithful surprises of GRACE never fail to come…many a times, God’ll just suddenly brighten my day…tonight I may be going to sleep with a heavy heart, but tomorrow morning, surprisingly, an unexplained light-heartedness will fill me….followed by a wonderful day of blessed evidences at work, serving, family etc… yes, over the years, I have experienced this umpteen times! Once touched by such GRACE, it is just impossible to remain in faithless state or leave God…

Well, in essence, we are protected, we are loved, we are “a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God”…we are people with the ‘most successful’ identity

It’s so hard to try to be weak when God is holding our hands and protecting us from going the wrong, miserable way! God must be thinking that I’m greatest liar…cos I’d made so many ‘empty threats’ to Him but never really get to fulfilling those ‘threats’, I think He would not be taken in anymore…

You and I have the same destiny…we are all children of God, someone who cannot fail, cannot die, cannot lose hope, cannot suffer for no reason, cannot be disgraced…regardless of our mood and even if the whole world opposes us, not because of anything else, but merely and solely because God is good and faithful! 🙂

No matter how great our weaknesses are, GRACE is forever greater still…

No matter how hard we try to be weak, God’s LOVE always catches up with us…

Would like to share one of my favorite verses with you:

11Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
13if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself

–          2 Tim 2: 11-13


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