Just Let Me Cry, One Last Time?

14 Mar

“It’s enough”…”The suffering is enough, I have had enough!”

“Just this one last time, after that I will not cry anymore for him”….

That’s the thing I kept telling myself for the last 5 years…

Time after time I told myself it had to be the last time, yet time after time, there will be a “next time”…

Actually this post could be quite sensitive, especially when it is posted on this day, 14 Mar 2010…I have considered whether I should post or not…but I guess this blog has become a platform where I can share things I normally don’t dare to share (even though I’m so vocal) too much in depth when face-to-face…but it’s shared to further express the human side of me….& to smash all wrong perception, if anyone thinks so, that God only uses the strong, the holy or a person who always carries a smile and seems as if he/she has less struggles/temptations or weaknesses than anyone else…No, but Christ’s power is manifested in human weaknesses…& His grace is demonstrated when man is powerless..

Anyway, anyone will know from the title what I’m going to write…yes, this is the same old ‘stale’ story..nothing new to those who knew me…But precisely becos this has been a long-lasting thing, that’s what made me both angry & accused…

Angry…

Sometimes, I’m a little angry (but only a bit angry) when I feel people around ‘judging’ me…Some people (outside & within church) had asked me why I still can’t get over…they were shocked & they do not understand why I’m like that…& I heard comments before that suggested that people are either ‘upset’ or ‘disgusted’ with me when they knew I haven’t gotten over him…they feel I’m weird, I got serious problem…This to me, sounds like “victimizing the victim” (this term means: instead of having compassion on the one who is suffering, the victim is being blamed for what had happened…it’s like for example, blaming a person who is being robbed that she brought it upon herself cos she wore too much gold to attract robbers’ attention)….Sometimes these people who do not understand me & gave me such accusations (either directly or talk behind my back) just reminded me of the 3 friends of Job when Job was in suffering….why even closed ones do not understand but pass judgments? When I’m deceived by Satan, I can’t help but wondered “if all these people who find that I’m very weird, all these people, if one day, they also lose their loved ones, maybe boyfriends of 10-year, whatever, if the same thing that happened to me happen to them, what will their reaction be? Before they judge me, have they thought of that?”

Accused…

But most important of all, I’m very angry, accused & ashamed of myself…Why am I so ‘useless’? Why after so many years already (well, it’s after all a good long 5 years already!), why after so long, I’m still affected? Why others who went through break-up could get over 100% after few months, one year, maybe at most 2 years, but I needed so long? Is there anything wrong with me, am I so pathetic that I can’t let go of a simple thing? Why is this still a stronghold for Satan? Is my faith not strong enough, that’s why true breakthrough hasn’t really come? What will people think of me if they know I’m still stuck with the same problem after so long? Worse still, what would they think of my God? Will they doubt God, will their faith in God waver because of silly me & my persistent weakness? I dare not reveal that I’m not totally over it yet…& I feel so accused cos I can’t express true feelings in front of people….

Confession…

Actually, I have a “confession” to make…even up till yesterday, I’m still crying, yes, crying over him…dun ask me why, I also dunno why…I didn’t plan to cry, but tears just flowed…I dunno why…after dinner after prayer meeting yesterday, I went home..still felt normal….but the moment I stepped into the bathroom, tears started to flow..I just had to remain in bathroom for half an hour cos that’s the only place in the whole wide world that I could cry to my heart’s content…but somehow God braced me up after that, I finished the English translation for Sun message…then at nite on my bed, tears just streamed again….

Why so long?

Why so long? I asked myself umpteen times already…

Well, for one, unlike usual cases where couples who split up just stopped seeing each other altogether, I cannot but still have to face him 4 times a week in church…cos I can’t leave this church & can’t demand him leave the church as well…where else can we both find such solid answers to life if we were to leave this present church? So please tell me, how can I let go and forget so easily, when I still see him so often? Looking at a person who used to understand me inside out, one twitch of my eyebrow & he knew exactly what I’m hinting….how would I feel when this same ‘intimate’ person one day become so ‘stranger’ to me even though we passed each other in church many times a week…When he spoke to someone he’s totally unfamiliar with (bro/sis he used to be not close with) but didn’t speak to me, how would I feel? This same guy who had shared my every woe & joy for 5-6 years now suddenly seemed so near yet so far…& as if all these were not enough, I still have to deal with the regular, so very regular updates of his ‘happy progress’ with her, and the entire church sharing this joy together with them…….of cos I would be lying if I said I have not thought of leaving the church to free myself from all these intense agony….

Second, I’m someone who cannot commit to love easily…but once I did, it’s very difficult to let go…I ever told friends who asked me why I still wanted to keep him as a friend despite what happened..I said “If you have truly, genuinely loved someone deeply before, no matter what wrong the person did to you, you will never, never be able to hate that person”…In fact, all these years, my agony is not so much because I’m still single…but my agony is cos I lost him, someone whom I have loved to the extent I could almost give up everything (wealth, success in life, friends, family, etc)…yes, I know I’m disgustingly crazy over one person… Although there are other guys who entered my life in the initial 3 years after breakup (God shut doors from 4th year onwards, cos the time is not right yet), I just could not like another person, no one seems to be able to compare with him

Answer! 🙂

BUT faithful Jesus protected me…& not only that, but He also uplifted me!

Back to my question: Why so long?

Yes, I got the answer from my only Saviour, Christ:  I NEED these 5 years of healing, not a day more, not a day less, to build up my spiritual character & perspective and so that my joy will be fuller at the end…..Over the years, God shown me so much evidences & grace & blessings due to this incident:

1) Because of this, the biblical theories which I knew from age 9 suddenly all came alive…A lot of spiritual insights & answers I managed to fathom were linked to this trial…

2) My ‘heart of stone’ was transformed to a ‘heart of flesh’ towards God…my heart, which used to take God’s love so for granted or feel numb toward God, suddenly become a fertile ground which is so easily touched by every small grace of God…I guess it is when man’s love fail us that we realized how precious God’s unchanging love is…& because of this ‘heart of flesh’, I can slowly feel for people & slowly win them over to Christ..In the past, I didn’t and couldn’t care so much for others’ problems, but when I myself been through pain then I empathize with those who suffered too…3) About taking so long to get over one man, God comforted me that that’s both my strength & my weakness…cos if I value relationship with a man so much, it also naturally applies to my relationship with God…Just as I have a steadfast spirit toward man, so will be my feelings toward God too, thus I do not need to feel ashamed for taking so long to healOnce I had tasted God’s goodness & touched by His love, no matter what kind of training/trials He puts me to, I just cannot leave Him, though sometimes, I may not fully fathom His perfect will yet….

4) God never shortchange us…when God took away something, He Himself replaces it… And truly, I can feel God’s immense love for me…I cannot see God physically, but through the things that happened in my life and the people around me, I can confirm God’s dedicated care & grace…there’s so much small & big grace that I have no space to describe here (I will share more in future blogs)…but I simply cannot deny His love…

5) It’s illogical but it’s amazing….Through this ‘setback’ in relationship, God suddenly turned me into a relationship ‘consultant’…Strangely, when I’m successful in my relationship (well, I used to think our relationship is ‘model relationship’ as we were both church leaders & we almost never quarreled), but sucked in a world of two, no one seek counsel from me…but just when I thought everyone will not come to me because I have disgraced the name of the Lord with a failed relationship, God arranged people with relationship problems to be beside me, to be blessed with the answers I received…Indeed, none of our conditions are failure, as long as God can use them!

Moving On…

So Today is the day he got married, which means to say it is THE END. The complete end of my suffering…I know God, in His love, is expediting my healing, He knew I can’t let go on my own, so He stepped in….by making him married, I have to move on too!

Yes, frankly, I dunno when I will be 100% ok…especially since I’m still crying just last nite…but I don’t want to think about that cos that shouldn’t be my focus…Yes, Satan, you are right, I may still need some time to be 100% victorious, I’m still weak emotionally & my thoughts can still be distorted sometimes…but SO WHAT? Satan, SO WHAT? Satan can continue to accuse me for all I care, but God still loves me, He can use me and is in fact all the time still using me for His gospel, despite that I’m still in a process & I’m still not 100% healed..So I’ll continue to boast of my weaknesses so that Christ’s love can be exalted!

So from today, he will lead his blissful family life and I will lead the glorious life God plans for me…

I believe that after today, it will be the final lap on this matter…so please journey this victorious trip together with me… I believe God has new surprises, blessings & ministries for me ahead 🙂

This week I got this close affinity with the song below..it’s just a simple song, not very ‘promise/covenant-flavored’…but it fits my mood somehow…



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6 Responses to “Just Let Me Cry, One Last Time?”

  1. Greatly blessed March 14, 2010 at 10:41 pm #

    Thanks for sharing. God sees your every pain and understands you completely.
    God does not have to take from you something precious to bless others. God is too good to do that. He loves you too much to do that. Believe and see in time to come.
    Best wishes.

  2. March 15, 2010 at 12:43 am #

    HJ, u will still cry again….but for souls from now onwards.

  3. God knows March 15, 2010 at 12:44 am #

    God knows.
    God never shortchange us.
    God will never afflict a pain so hard that we cannot tolerate.
    God do things for his reason that we might not comprehend now, but might explore the purpose 5 years, 10 years down the road.

    i guess everyone of us has the “weakness” that we cannot be 100% victorious (for some are career, money, children’s education..). That’s how God builds our church… hope in one way or another, we can be 100% victorious when we stand together.

  4. JX Cares March 15, 2010 at 11:13 am #

    Sister, the most impt is the process and not the result. I admire your steadfast love for man and God and it is definitely nothing to feel shameful abt. God loves you to the extend to bring him away from you. Let’s rejoice as today is your “reborn” day….

  5. huijun1910 March 20, 2010 at 1:47 pm #

    Hi all,

    Thanks for all your comments, emails, smses, calls, cards, concern and of cos prayers 🙂
    I believe not one sorrow is greater than God’s love…so thanks for displaying that love of God on me 🙂

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